Saturday, May 28, 2011

From The Desk of Alatta Dhedghiyz

I know I missed some jokes in this one, but I caught onto one in particular that I should've used years ago when I first started getting these scammer e-mails from down in Africa (I bless the rains). You'll see when you get to my reply:


Dear Friend

I know that this e-mail will come to you as a surprise as we never met before. I am MR. Ibrahim Arwan, them anager of Auditing and Accounting section of Bank of Africa (B.O.A.) Ougadougou Burkina Faso. I hoped that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that I am about to repose on you for the mutual benefit of our both families. I need your urgent assistance in transfering the sum of Fifteen Million Five Hundred Thousand united state dollars ($15.5m USD) Immediately to your account.
The fund has been dormant (in-active) for ten years in our bank here without any body to claim it. I want to release the fund to you as the nearest person to our deceased customer Mr. Andreas Schranner (the owner of the account) who died a long with his supposed next of kin in air crash on 31st July 2000. I don't want the fund to go into our Bank treasury as an abandoned fund, so this is the reason I contacted you, so that my Bank will relase the fund to you as the nearest person to the deceased customer.
Please I would like you to keep this proposal as a top secret and delete it if you are not interested. Upon receipt of your reply, I will give you more details regarding this transaction and also note that you will have 40% of the above mentioned amount if you agree to help me execute this business. And also after the funds has been transfered into your bank account you will take 10% out as a compensation for the expenses you will make in this transaction and 50% is for me. I need to hear from you urgent so that I will give you more information regarding this transaction.

Your Full Name..............................
Your Sex..........................................
Your Age.........................................
Your Country..................................
Marital Status..................................
Your Occupation.............................
Your Personal Mobile No................
Your Personal Fax No.....................

Waiting for your urgent response so that we will starts immediately,
Best Regards
MR. Ibrahim Arwan

Looking back at this one, there wasa alot of really good grammatical errors I could've had fun with. Also, i'm not even factoring in the fun I could've had filling in his personal information sheet. I did, however, offer to send a body to claim the fund:


Dear Stranger

This e-mail came to me as a surprise, since we have never met before. I am Alatta Dehdghiyz, a highly trained Extra Special Super Ninja Marine who makes people disappear for the right price. I bless the rains down in Africa (I bless the rains), gonna take some time to do the things we never ha-aaa-haa-aaa-had, whoo ooh. Doo doot doot doot do doot doot doo. I believe I can urgently assist you in the transfer of this sum to my account, I always like getting free money.

If this fund has been dormant for too long without any body coming for it, I can deliver this body since I am a Super Ninja. Just tell me where to go kill this scanner dude, and I will have his body delivered to you via Priority Mail. Just tell me where to go, I will use the strict nine as you requested at the start of the e-mail.

Alattah Dehdghiyz
Extra Special Super Ninja Marine

Monday, May 23, 2011

New Record For a Single Romance Scam

I know I usually stick with the funnier stuff here, but we have a new recvord for the highest dollar amount stolen in a romance scam. A man in Illinois lost $200,000 to a Nigerian scammer. They had known each other for 2 1/2 years, so he must have felt safe sending her money.
Another disturbing find from this story is the increase in online scams in recent years. In 2008, the figure was 265 million dollars. In 2009, that number jumped to 559 million. in 2010, it skyrocketed again, to 1.7 billion. It's virtually impossible to get the money back that was already stolen, but we can beat these people!

Saturday, February 19, 2011

My sports writing seems to have trumped the ESL stuff

I just did a Google search for myself, and at the bottom of page three was my sports writing profile on Yahoo:

I'm gonna go spam myself now that i'm actually building an audience! Also, another interesting note while i'm here, i'm more than half finished with re-editing the first book. I should have The ESL Dating Diaries: A Collection of Broken English Love Letters available in Kindle format on Amazon again in just a few days.

Saturday, December 18, 2010


Just in case I’m not on any hit lists yet (like the Russian mob or maybe Nigerian mafia), here’s a little sampling of the other work I’ve been doing in my free time:


I am Dr Waheed Aka from burkina faso. I want to seek your assistance after my discovery during auditing in my bank as am the manager of Bill and
Exchange at the Foriegn Remittance Department of BANK OF AFRICA,(B.O.A.). In my department we discovered an abandoned sum of USD$25.8million US dollars in an account that belongs to one of our foreign customers who died along with his entire family in plane Crash 2003. It is therefore upon this discovery that I decided as the head of my department to make this business proposal to you and release the money to you as the next of kin or relation to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it and we don't want this money to go into the Bank treasury as unclaimed bills.
You should not nurse any atom of fear as all required arrangements have been made for the smooth transfer of this funds and your acceptance is what will crown this effort. We will conclude this operation within 21 banking days based on the amount of coperation you will contribute. The fund will be shared in the ratio of 40% will be for you as a forign partner, 60% will be for me. Thank you for your understanding as i await your urgent response to enable me give you more details don't forget to give me those informations below to enable me know you very well before we can go ahead in this business/project.
Your International passport or ID card.......
Your private telephone number................
Your profession................................
Your age.....................................
Your country..................................... Your's faithfully
Dr Waheed Aka 00226-76 36 30 68


Dear Dr. Weed Whacker,
I am Dr. Awkward, otherwise known as a palindrome, from the United States. Delta Burke is not a fatso!
Do not worry, palindromes are not contagious, there is a vaccine you can get for it. However, you must act with the utmost urgency and ambulance. I have not dieded, though I do like Dido, she has a good voice. I have a BOA constrictor ready for your remittance. It will strangle you so I get all of the $25 million USED DOLLARS. The BOA constrictor was de-cased from its caging and should be arriving to you in a box shortly. Your bowels will disburse upon deceasement, so I will claim all of the unmarked bills. Please do not mark the bills in any way, shape or form, otherwise I cannot claim them.
I am not nursing, although I am male, it is physically impossible. However, I do receive mail every day, except Sunday. Please inform your secretary to notify me when the BOA constrictor has done it's job and I can claim my 25 Gazillion dollars. I don't really listen to country music much, but I do like "Faithfully".
Your aging professional telephone,
Dr. Awkward

The Gynecologist & The Midget Crackhead, Part I

I know I've been using the woman's name in the title lately, but I just couldn't think of anything funny with Kristina to turn into a title. So, I just thought, what's the funniest thing I can do in this situation? Find a way to describe the potential couple that would make them sound like quite the odd couple. I think I succeeded, what do you guys think?

Hello, I just check my email and I am glad to see your response,
so do you use yahoo personals for long time ? Well, I am not from United States and I am from Moldova, Camenca. If you see the distance could be problem just let me know and I am understand also, but who know. Yahoo gave me no chance to indicate my location because it seems not popular here at all, and I had to put it as US, so have you ever date someone from an other country and do you think it could be possible for you ?
Now about what bring me to internet. This month my dog named Angela died and I felt terrible and co-worker told to me I should try Internet and she be lived it can make me feel better, I make this email address for its memory. These days I am much better. I can speak and write English and if you have any difficult in understanding my writings, just let me know.
I will try to describe myself and will be short so if you feel interest you can send me an answer, my computer is need to be fixed and they have told to me they will get it in three weeks maximum so I use internet cafe now to write you from here, I will be back in a few days to check for your answer.
My name is Kristina, I am 29 years old and my birthday is 5th of April, looking for serious relations only, not fan, virtual, nude, chat, etc. Finished with ex boyfriend half year before and single this days. What is about you? Do you have any bad habits? I do not smoke,
do not drink often, and have never tried any kind of drugs. My weight is 118 lbs and 5.6 tall, not too large lady for you? Just joking!
I keep in fit and like different activities, let me know what activities you like? I hope you do not think that watching TV with bottle of bear every evening is good activity :)) What do you do for living? I work as doctor (gynecologist) in the Hospital.
What is about your family? I have no kids by myself but have a lot of relatives, send me some pics of your family if you have. Have you ever been traveling abroad? What country do you wish to visit the most? I enjoy traveling very much. I need to go now, let me know if you got my pic

One more thing I gotta add-I think this phrase I caught made me think of a “short” male character: I will try to describe myself and will be short . I definitely described myself as short!

Hello Kristina!
Sorry on a slow response, I am a writer a lot. I use yahoo personals much, if I make it to a use more it will need to be application on computer J I am from Untied States, but I guess you can know it obvious. So, I must ask the question, where is Camenca? I am guess Russian in nature since city name Moldova, but wrong could be indicated by you. I am apologies your country is not popular. Yahoo should recognize it anyways, it is a country, there are clearly daters there, I mean, there is you.
I have not had the date with foreign woman, and my dog is not dead. However, we both have other things to relate to. I am not short, but I speak English. I am 34 years old, and my birthday is July . I search the good woman for serious relations, not imaginary friend, text, not clothing optional, I am too shy. I finished burying my ex two days ago. She went through windshield when she drove drunk and was made to land in a field of rocks.
I will admit I have bad habits too, my ex and I shared bad habits. I drink a 30 pack of beer a day since funeral, I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, and sometimes I like to smoke crack. Not often, definitely not at work or before, but on day off it is great for a relaxed. My height of 3’2”, and weight of 175 lbs. I am not fit, but I do fit in some suitcases! This would make for less travel expense when we to travel on a trip together!
For activities, I will do anything but go to circus. They have tried to kidnap me & force me to work on many occasion, I will not absolute do it! I work at library as a book re-stocker. I enjoy climbing shelves, climbing is many an enjoyment for me. I have not the kids either, but siblings have them. I have not traveled with a broad, but would like to visit Russia! I got your pic, I need to upload some of mine on here.

Anna Jello Chick, Part IX

Wow, I haven't scared this one off yet! Maybe that'll change after this e-mail?

HI Dan.
I once again pleased to receive your letter. I always feel pleased when I see your letter. To give you a better understanding of me, I want to tell you about their dreams and that is why I decided to look for a man on the Internet:
I like every woman dreams of being loved, I want to be near a man who would cold nights warmed by his love. I would like to cook him dinner when he comes home from work, have dinner together, go to the theater or cinema, exhibitions, or simply watch walk down the street. I would like to travel with someone you love and not about someone not to think but to him.
You are probably wondering why I'm looking for a loving man abroad, but not in their homeland. The fact that the guy with whom I met during one year, deceived me, all this time he promised to marry her, but when I began to insist on marriage, he admitted to me that never was going to marry me. After this had passed half a year, I have not met with anyone, withdrew into myself, I found it hard to trust anyone else.
Once I came close friend to me and said that her sister corresponded over the Internet with a man from Australia, and then left him to live and now she is happy. I was hesitant in the beginning so do not believe that this could be for real. But now I am thankful to her because she gave me the names of the road on which we met and I'm happy.
Tell us what you dream? Why are you looking for your future wife through the Internet, unless your country is not worthy of women?
I'll wait for your answer. Anna.

I really think I got on a roll with this scammer, it was fun to write to this one.

Hi Anna.
I again am made to be catch up on a letter. I always please myself when I see your letter To donate more knowledge on my person, I will tell of my reasons for quest on a Internet.
Like all women, I want to be cold when it is warm at night. I have ceiling fan in my room for this exact purpose. I want to go witness the concert, or go on a disco. I have always wanted to hang from a disco ball when I’m so drunk the room is spinning! I want to spend time with someone you love, good quality time, like 45 minutes! Do you have a sister?
I am looking for a broad, and I will not share her with my homeboys! Which is my problem with the ones here. They have all been around the block more than the bus! My last one, over a year ago, was a cheater! I came home to find her on mine favorite recliner, with three guys! When I left in disgust, another arrived at the door to join in! I am not want a broad like that. I am only want one woman for one man.
I have heard many happy stories of persons make acquaintance on an internet, I guess it is possible? Maybe someday happiness will be mine as well, but not complete until it is here. Maybe you can help to make it be found? I have good heart, but weak wallet. Let me know if this is an issue. I go now. Dan

Anna Jello Chick, Part VIII

I am so lucky she did all the work for me on this one, I really wasn't up to writing more tonight!

Hello Dan.
I am glad to receive your letter. I enjoy reading your letters. I think we need to continue to write to each other and further, to become intimate. I want to tell you more about their city. I live in the beautiful city of Kirov. This is a very beautiful city with a long history in which many ancient monuments, museums, theaters, parks and other attractions. This majority of people from different cities come to buy a car, because prices here are among the lowest in the car. I love my city. I have traveled all around him, because I love to travel. You can tell a little more about your city? I would be very interesting!
Not important enough, I also believe that you knew about my education and work. I graduated from the Kirov Medical Institute. And now for several years worked as a doctor. Every day, except weekends, I go to work, get up at 7 am and am at work since 8. 00 to 17. 00. I work 5 days a week, 9 hours per day. I hope that you are not too tired, just think work and education an important part of dating people, we just do not understand each other internally and from it. So if you can tell us more about your education and work?
I also speak on English, but not very well (not fast), I can read and translate, to write. Here to talk with a foreigner never tried. Letters I am writing myself in English Houses have no computer, but I go to Internet cafes. I registered for a couple of months. Thank you in advance for your response. I am looking forward to you the letter.
Best wishes Anna.

I really should write myself letters more often…

Hello Anna.
I am behind on sent letters in e-mail, apologies me. I had a stumble on work & nearly was cranial impacted injured on a concrete! Job of written work is not enough make payment for bills, so I have added minimum wage restaurant job. When combined writing job and restaurant job, time is in limited supply.
There is not much to see of ancient history here in Colorado Springs. Just tons of new houses built two feet apart from each other & cramped into tiny little overcrowded neighborhoods. On a transport, prices here are not low in the car, so we use it mass transit. Not importantly, you should knew about my work. I write editorial once a week and make $100 a week, plus work on a restaurant. I work 5 days a week as well restaurant, and spend 7 days a week to written. This means I am busy 12 days a week! Free time is only available if I have coupon!
I also speak English, with most fluently, and Russian minimal. I can say good morning, good afternoon, good evening, hello, my name is Dan, goodbye, and what did you say? When I write myself letters it is typically in English since Russian learned is not many. I have long day tomorrow, but will try to return letter Friday.